| Didn't realize this thing still worked. Hmm...I must've stopped logging on shortly after Matthew and I got together. >.< if anyone still actually reads this stuff i'd be amazed.
Nothing new w/ me. Don't really go out much anymore bc I like staying @ home and waking up early...like old people. Plus on my spare time I like to devote my life to some awesome guy who cannot fully trust me...haha...funny right? I don't even leave my house @ night and I was the one who wanted marriage. Scapegoat much? I mean--I get it...but mannn... :/ Love does funny magical things like make you forget that the person who lost your trust, cannot trust you when you finally forgive him, when you didn't really do anything to break that persons trust.  makes my head spin too...water under the bridge. I wondered if maybe it'd be better to move on to something w less baggage...but man...why waste all that love? I don't really care about the history or the accessories of him...its the whole part where when I think of my future, I always see him by my side, in a happy light...we make each other laugh. However, I am making some hard realizations that my happiness is not on his priority list...for example...he was thinking of sending my sister a hello kitty bouquet from edible arrangements for her bday, yet never got me a thing on my birthday...let alone send me anything like that. In fact, I don't remember him ever getting me something just bc he was thinking of me...yet he will occasionally think of random people who he'll surprise at work w lil gifts. AND it's not even that I want anything...bc I don't...I'd just like to be in his thoughts you know...like the random phone calls to see that I'm still alive...But again, love plays some evil tricks on us hope for the "impossible" best. He will never make me a high priority, bc I'm supposed to "understand" and/or something will take my place shortly after he promises to make me a higher priority --and I will as long as he's around. -ya know, I can understand why he's doubting me to some extent, but man, what did I do to deserve all of that before his doubt began? I mean, this is the whole reason why I doubted him in the first place--don't place grand thoughts in my hands and make me believe they are real--that's quite cruel if you ask me. If you want forgiveness and you want someone to love you as you are, you tell them exactly what that means...I tend to forget, so you have to remind me...I don't like people prying in my life, I'll tell you when I'm ready...the list goes on...however, irony strikes here--he can't trust me, BUT, the whole reason we got into this mess was his fault and I caught him red handed with intuition and our identical phones--and NOW, he has issues with me even touching his phone, when he's ALWAYS looking through my phone or computer which I gladly gave him the passwords too. ...more like  . I hope if we decide to move forward together, he starts thinking of me a lil more the way he thinks of all the strangers in his life. If not, I guess I'm looking down a really dark hole...
Ugh...to be very truthful...he really is a wonderful person and he makes me feel loved for the most part...but I don't know when to stop hoping for more. I had even tricked myself into believing there isn't anything more in life and I should be grateful for what we have now. We don't need marriage or children or a future we may or may not have...who am I kidding??? 
|
| |
| 2007 will hopefully be better than 2006. So far so good. |
| |
| i bought my car today. i'm happy. its new and the color i wanted. i got a pretty good deal too. i'm sad that matthew wasnt there with me to pick it up after everything that we went through. but at least i got it. tonight after he does all his stuff i'll let him drive it around. i think today i'm just going to cruise at home and go gym...tomorrow i have to go to work again. :( i think i'm going to like it but idk i kind of liked not doing anything during the weekend. but this will be good extra money. i'm still worried about the strike issue. we'll see if anything happens.
|
| |
| ever just think "man this is a great day...I'm so lucky..."??? I had those kinds of moments in the past couple of weeks. My good friends ELbert and Jayme are getting married this coming Sunday and I'm a grooms woman...haha. But because of all the stresses and things to worry about ELbert and I decided to do something fun after finally getting my dress.
We headed to ala moana Beach at about 600pm in the coldest windest time of day...parked our cars made super hero changes into short shorts and for me a very small bikini top...sprinted to the ocean from the cars on Magic Island side straight into the freezing ass ocean! In the split second I came up from that water Elbert took one look at me and said "oh my god trisha...are you going to die?" apparently I turned the funkiest shade of purple in mere seconds. LOL But being the freaking tooper I am...I moved around as much as I could until my body acclimated to the freeze after about 10 minutes of pure hell. haha. But we swam from one end of ala moana beach to the other and back...ad let me tell you the crazy things are the things in life that make it worth living...it was soo beautiful from out in the waer at night. and since we were the only dumbasses to go swimming at that time on that day...we wer all by ourselves...it was awesome. so much reflection about life and love...Elbert is truely a great friend and I know that no matter how much time passes us...we can always get right back into the mode we leave off on.
He told me so many things that just helped me so much. He shows me the things that guys go through that I just couldnt see and the things that make things just make more sense. In many ways he helped me love my life and realize how lucky I really am. In so many ways I knew those things...but sometimes it takes someone else to open your eyes.
Matthew shows me these things too...in different ways...but he also shows me patience and a different perspective on things. I am really greatful to have him in my life. We have all these ups and downs but I know that if its right it will work out..and if not, then thats the way its suppose to be. Not to say that I am waiting for the end...just that I'm happy to be with him now because hes a great friend. Funny though, I wouldnt call him my best friend...it's different |
| |
| had the best day ever. its been too long. |
| |